Hello everyone. I wanted to thank friends and readers for their concern and for staying "tuned in" for blog updates. That said, I did have another seizure a few weeks after the previous blog posting and fell into a funk. My debate over whether or not to raise my medicine has come to an end. It has to be done for a short while for my protection and the sheer sanity of my wife. This seizure occurred while my wife was driving. Somehow, while I was seizing, she pulled off the highway. She thought the car door was locked but it wasn't (or I was able to unlock it). Apparently, I unbuckled my seat belt, opened the door and walked right towards oncoming highway traffic. I don't remember the incident. My wife says by the grace of God, just as I approached the highway, she screamed at me to get back into the car and for whatever reason, (or by grace), I heard, retreated and sat back in the car. The look of fear and despair in her eyes that day was enough for me to know I had to raise the medicine for a short while. Although I am not happy to raise the medicine, I made the decision as recommended by the neurologist.
For the last couple of months I have slept half the day away and sat around quite numb. As an 18 year old, I was able to "sleep it off" for a couple of days and get back to work. Now that I am close to 40, the body needs to chill out and kinda re-group. Eventually though my body does adjust and I get motivated again and try to get back to work. Admittedly, I do have a few more challenges with this than most - working that is.
I have yet to tell my readers that after my brain surgeries, there were side effects doctors did not anticipate for me. After all the neuro-psychological testing and brain mapping, no one ever suspected that I would no longer be able to read. Yes, I simply COULD NOT read - words made absolutely no sense. I could speak and understand language, but could not read it. I went from superior intellect to re-learning my ABC's. I also lost my ability to play piano for awhile. I mention this because it has recently been explained because of my musical and artistic abilities, they (art and piano) may have played a large role in helping to rehabilitate reading.
It has taken me years and I can read and write slowly. My speech has not been affected. Every now and again I struggle to find the correct vocabulary word or name, but other than that - people who don't know me do not suspect these brief lapses in my judgement or thinking. I know there are days when I don't want to pick up a book and practice reading. I used to be able to read a Stephen King novel in a day or read Sigmund Freud and do complex mathematical equations without trying.
So I am opening up a little piece of my trials and triumphs to you. I understand how difficult it is to find strength when you have little hope. I know how difficult it is to give yourself purpose when you don't always know what the purpose may or may not be. It has taken me a few months to write and disclose this to you. Call it pride or maybe a bit of self doubt, but this is me - trying to pick up the pieces little by little and find my way each day.
My wife tries to tell me not to focus on what I cannot do, but what I can do or aspire to do. Some days it is so very hard to actually hear what she is saying to me. I hope someone out there hears my words and understands that you can make a difference. Take each day one by one, give yourself time and pick yourself up and try again....
