I apologize to all for not having a blog posted sooner.  I would love to say my blog this month is meant to educate people or to bond with others around the world.  Knowing I am not alone, this time I need to vent.  Unfortunately, recently, I had my first tonic clonic seizure in about two years.

I have talked about the types of seizures one can have and also gave input on some epilepsy facts.  I have previously mentioned my dog and all that kind of stuff.  I have had the chance to talk to others with epilepsy and some without over many years and although there is so much to discuss, one topic seems to resurface all the time...medicine.

Many people with epilepsy will tell you the seizure itself is not that bad.  Personally, I don't remember a thing.  My body gets sore and I sleep it off and move on.  It does get a little more taxing as I get older, but just the same I deal with it.  Then after a seizure, typically, your doctor may adjust the current medicine level you are taking and the hard part begins.  Medicine has changed my life more than anyone could ever imagine and I know I am not the only one who shares this burden.

There are many medicinal side effects which people may experience.  They come to you physically, emotionally and everything in between.  A couple of years after college, I was hanging out at a bar (where I grew up).  I couldn't drink them with the medicine, but I enjoyed hanging out with friends and playing pool.  All of a sudden a group of high school friends stormed in around me.  I had a seizure just a few weeks before and my doctor had increased my dosage of medicine.  I was really not all "there".  I was vomiting and began to lose a lot of weight and was having uncontrolled emotional outbursts all day - of course, this had to happen in a public place and worse a bar for that matter!  I remember trying to just run and get out of there as soon as possible, but it was impossible to avoid these friends of mine.

No one knew about my seizure.  No one knew about the medicine I was taking.  Nothing.  It was my secret.  People began to assume I was on drugs and I had overheard someone talking about me in the bar.  I couldn't handle it and instead of telling these people about me and epilepsy, I chose to run out of the bar instead.

So, here is the debate going through my head for the last few weeks.  Do I need more medicine?  My doctor wants me to raise it one more pill a day, bit I fear the side effects of my demeanor.  However, look at what my wife has to go through.  She has had to watch multiple seizures for years and that is not easy.  The fear instilled in her for my safety is unimaginable.  She tries to explain it, but I don't know what she sees or how I react during of after the seizure.  I just know how she relays the story to me - some of which I know she holds back to spare me details.  The medicine had never worked through the years.  I was resistant to medicine treatment despite numerous attempts of different medicines and combinations thereof.  So I resist now increasing my dosage in fear that my body and mind must get used to the increase, thus making it more difficult for me in the future - again.

So here is my question and I am sure others have had this same scenario and it's not just related to epilepsy...it could be for anyone treating some type of disease or depression with medicine.  Should my wife have to deal with the emotional side effects of medicine or should she have to deal with the seizures and effects thereafter?  Is it better for more to take the increase dosage of medicine with hope it may prevent more seizures? Or possibly, since it has been almost two years without a tonic clonic seizure do I stay on the path which I have been on and hope it was just a "break through" seizure due to stress and maybe just that it "was time" to have another one.  I have this same debate in my head.  Day after day and more so lately for obvious reasons. 

Thanks for listening and anyone with advice and feedback, please feel free to write...